She’s a REAL girl!

Today Sanrio announced that despite our assumptions for the last 30+ years, ‘Hello Kitty’ is NOT a cat.

No, they say. She is a perpetual third grade girl named Kitty White who lives just outside of London. She is a Scorpio who likes apple pie, and she has a twin sister.

To make us all feel completely absurd Sanrio went on to say that Kitty White is obviously not a cat herself because she keeps one as a pet. It’s name is Charmmy Kitty and I presume it also lives in London and doesn’t age either.

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Does it matter? Does Sanrio really need to stand up for Hello Kitty (er, Kitty White) and let us know her real backstory? Can’t children just play with her and use their imaginations? Does the girl who buys the HK decal for her Honda Accord really care that she likes apple pie or has a twin?

And what a random bunch of facts they chose to release about this long beloved character! You know that somewhere in the world a bunch of executives got together and debated those characteristics.

“Should she like apple or cherry pie? Is she more of a tart girl or does she err more towards savories? Should she have an annoying younger brother or an identical twin??”

So, because I thought it might be interesting, I decided to make up a shit ton of facts and backstories for some of my other Childhood favorites. Please enjoy and feel free to add your own.

G.I. Joe ‘Crazylegs’

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This GI Joe figure from the 80’s was nicknamed ‘ Crazylegs’, but his real name is Warren Smalls. He is from just outside of Tuscaloosa, Alabama and he really likes ‘Radar Love’ by Golden Earring. When he was 17 he won a poetry contest sponsored by the junior league. The prize was a basket of cleaning products. Warren likes curly fries from Arby’s dipped in the red ranch sauce off the Beef n’ Cheddar sandwich, but not the sandwich itself. He worries about the cholesterol in eggs and considers himself ‘into’ reptiles (yet hasn’t yet owned one). He has a small tattoo of Yosemite Sam pissing on the outline of Russia. He wishes ‘Red Dawn’ really happened.

Florida Vacation Christie

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Christie was a short-lived friend of Barbie whom the latter met on spring break vacation in Florida. Christie was on top of the bar at a local club dancing and Barbie just couldn’t take her eyes off of her. Barbie knew that she had to befriend this beautiful girl, they had so much in common! TAKE HER DOWN

Christie lives in Ybor City and goes to the local community college when she can remember to wake up on time. She has an extremely fast metabolism and a penchant for Boston Cream Donuts and buttered hard rolls. Christie grew up Jewish (she had a Bat Mitzvah party at Cinderella’s Castle!) but she puts up a tree every Christmas because she likes ‘another chance at gifts’ as well as ‘multicolored lights’. She once bought an entire outfit from Spencer’s Gifts and only listens to Bon Jovi in her car (because she thinks it brings her good luck). She takes medication for severe acid reflux, but simply cannot start the day without a glass of Orange Juice. Sometimes she goes to strip clubs and tips the chubbier girls because she feels bad. Every time she goes to the grocery store she steals something (small).

Teddy Ruxpin

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Theodore Charles Ruxpin went to M.I.T and hails from North Conway, NH. He showed his neighbors Holstein Cows in the 4H Fair for six consecutive years (from 7-13 years of age) earning blue ribbons each time. ‘Teddy’ as he became known, got involved with Jam bands at a young age, and during a gap year between high school and college even followed the Greatful Dead around the country. He’s allergic to stone fruits and finds himself attracted to both women and men. He likes onions caramelized, but not raw. He knows the names of every Apollo astronaut and one day dreams of visiting Mexico. He’s actually about a half inch taller, but compressed a vertebrae while trying to execute a trick on snowler blades.

Kid Sister

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Kid Sister goes by the name ‘Allison Carver’ in real life. She’s actually the oldest of three and everyone agrees she’s a complete bitch. Kid Sister was the rap name she chose for herself growing up on the outskirts of Detroit. She once ate an entire stick of sidewalk chalk and thinks often about doing it again. She’s doesn’t like bees. Kid Sister was once forgotten on a church carnival Ferris Wheel. Once her whereabouts were discovered, they anticipate that she was on there between three to six hours. She likes the idea of blacksmithing, but refuses the notion of protective eyewear. She enjoys going to the gas station and has a dog with one eye named Wink.

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