Yesterday I was standing at my local corner deli. Tuesdays are my day off and we generally get together with a couple other moms with toddlers for a little group (where we usually have wine-I’ll talk more about those awesome ladies another day).
Rosie and I had ordered our sandwiches when a deluge of high school boys descended on the tiny shop. They must’ve just gotten out of some sort of pre-school year sports practice. Probably NOT football, because we live New England. Kids here play soccer and lacrosse (sports which have never professionally caught on in the US; why not have a fucking Cricket team?!). They scratched themselves through gym shorts and wore socks with Adidas sandals because they don’t yet have wives to tell them that they look like dumbasses.
Before you know it, the floppy haired jocks are shouting orders at the freckly Ecuadorean woman behind the counter. I frequent the store a lot and I am intensely and strangely protective of the employees despite not even sharing a common language. These sweet women saw me through some strange pregnancy cravings (pickle and cheese sandwiches and cups of Friendly’s Birthday Cake Sundae-could I BE more of a stereotype!). It takes all that I have in me not to tell them to pipe the fuck down, but I decide not to get all street with my daughter in my arms and I move to the cashier to pay.
The girl in front of me is wearing black stretch pants. The kind I wear under large tunics when the seams of my jeans feel a little bitey. The kind I bought when I SWORE I was going to start running, which never happened. I’ve come to terms that I’m probably only going to ever run if chased.
The girl is also wearing a tank top with the armpits cut down almost to the bottom of the hem. It is almost not an article of clothing. If anything, I would refer to it as the nuance of a tank top. Thank GOD she wore a sports bra underneath to protect her modesty.
Anyway, this girl looks at the choad load of boys and gives me a conspiratorial eyeroll.
“I can’t even.” She says.
Like I’m supposed to fill in the blanks? Are kids talking in Mad-Libs these days?!
“Excuse me?” I say, swinging my daughter to my other hip and dipping my ear closer to her.
“I can’t even.” She repeated, jutting her chin towards the boys (I can’t keep calling them names. They ARE minors, after all).
“You can’t what?” I asked, genuinely confused. The cashier called ‘next’ and she shot me a glance like I’d just asked if she wanted to try on a pair of my flared jeans (they WILL come back-my old hip/thigh/ass circumference, maybe notsomuch).
This whole interaction lasted all of seven seconds, but left me feeling like I was finally old. I wondered what else ‘the kids were saying these days’, so when I got home that afternoon, I did a little research.
I put on MTV (remember when they played music on Music TeleVision?), but MTV was playing a marathon of ‘The Hills’. The latter was absolutely my gateway drug to Real Housewives and it was very obviously dated. After I lost about a half hour to the Audrina/Justin Bobby saga, I got back to the task at hand.
I’ve been off Facebook for almost three years now. My only social media outlet is Instagram, so I pulled it up while my daughter napped and went to the search function. I was stumped.
How do I find kids on here? All my friends are 30-somethings and above. I have a few young relatives, but creeping on them seemed wrong. Besides, they’re mostly all intelligent and use proper punctuation. I needed the morons who barely spoke anything but slang: 4 Realz.
Then a brilliant lightbulb.
Bae: Bae is the new ‘Boo’. I’m certain the word is rooted in the words ‘babe’ or ‘baby’. I’m almost positive Beyoncé is somehow responsible for it.
Come Correct: Apparently it means to do right by someone the first time. I’m going to insist my husband ‘comes correct’ with all future birthday and anniversary gifts.
Turnt: looking at the word on its own, I would think it stood for ‘turned out’ which I’ve always understood referred to a pimp turning someone into a prostitute (I saw Hustle & Flow and watched a few HBO documentaries). Apparently not. Urban dictionary told me that it was slang for having a really good time. The sad thing was my #classof2015 pic which featured #turnt also could’ve referred to prostitution. I’m glad she’s just going to get hopped up on sugar like a normal teenager (this is where I want to insert a winkyfaced emoji-get on that shit WordPress!).
Dat Ass Doe: =That Ass Though. I saw a lot of ‘Dat’ and ‘Doe’ in ordinary speech which is hilarious. It’s like 14-19 year olds took ‘Pootie Tang’ instead of Spanish as an elective.
KK: This is a cutesy way of saying okay. It’s also one matchy-matchy consonant short of a racist organization, so I’m not feeling it.
ish: this is in place of ‘shit’. To be honest, I’d rather have my child say ‘shit’ clearly than sound like she was lisping it. If you’re going to curse, let’s just come correct about it.
Turn Up/Down: Now this one wasn’t completely foreign to me. My husband has pretty broad musical tastes, and he always keeps an ear out for the kind of shit I might like. By shit, he usually refers to bass heavy hip hop. If it could be featured at a Pep Rally; good. If it has already been remixed; Great. If there are reggae horns; I’m probably going to play it forever. Anyway, a few months ago J came to me with a Lil’Jon song, ‘Turn Down For What.’ I don’t generally concern myself with a deeper meaning behind song lyrics, and so I just simply thought that Mr.Jon (Mr.Lil?) was stating that he was not going to turn anything down (let’s face it. It had been a while between hits for LJ).
In fact, ‘Turn Up’ is not a promise to be somewhere, but referring to getting drunk and/or rowdy. Conversely, ‘Turn Down’ is the act of sobering down. Lil’ Jon was actually telling the world that nothing is worth being sober for. Sometimes I can relate to that.
So that was it. The result of a twenty minute (okay, two hour) search. It was chock full of young baes getting turnt and snapping #selfies. I’m fine with getting older, because I think the new slang is as stupid as a box of hair. I’ll go right on cursing like a sailor (not in front of children or elderly religious types), just be certain I always come correct with etiquette.