Pregnancy Tests Are Expensive (or How I became a Dollar Store Whore)

(Note: I’m not currently pregnant, but I wrote this when I was)

 

Do you know how fucking expensive pregnancy tests are?  The good ones are about thirty-six dollars for a pack of two that digitally proclaim ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant’.  The problem with that first positive test is that people (like me) automatically assume that they’ve purchased a defective one and then therefore need to get thirteen more.  I obviously couldn’t afford to get that many of the Ferrari of pregnancy tests*, so I succumbed to trying all of the store brands.  Store brands aren’t as blatantly obvious as the digital counterparts, and you’re forced to pee on the end and then wonder if that’s really a faint plus sign you’re seeing.  Is it pink?  Is that blue line dark enough, or are you imagining it?  It’s definitely darker after five minutes, but the test explicitly promised results in only two!  Did I accidentally pee in the window, thus rendering the whole test ineffective?  

 

Someone suggested I check out the local dollar store, because in the two weeks between my first positive and the first doctors appointment I was certain that my uterus and my brain were totally in cahoots on some sort of cruel joke. Let me just tell you, the section of the dollar store where you get your cheap pregnancy tests is pretty fucking grim.

 

 

 

 

  1. Ovulation Predictors: actually, I made a mental note of these things. There seemed to be a LOT of them (compared to the sold out racks of pregnancy tests).
  2. Femtex Tampons: For some reason, I feel like these probably cause toxic shock syndrome. I feel like they are a blend of stinky cotton and fiberglass. I don’t know why..
  3. Douche: You might have to make this photo bigger, but the lady on this Vinegar and Water Douche is looking really reflective. I imagine she is thinking that the only way to rid herself of the embarrassment of stanky vagina would be to dump a load of salad dressing in there. The last time she used Robusto Italian it burned like a sonofabitch
  4. At Home Drug Test: So you smoked a shit ton of weed last week and spent 50.00 of your birthday money at Taco Bell. Are you going to be able to work at Costco? Survey says…
  5. Playtex tampons: Gentle Glides (see, Femtex-THIS is what you need to do! Gentle…)
  6. UTI tests: Because with all that bumping and grinding, shits bound to get irritated, unless you buy yourself some…
  7. Warm Touch Lube
  8. Menstrual Relief: It’s probably just some generic motrin. If anything calls itself menstrual relief it should come with a heating pad, some chocolate, a bottle of chardonnay and a season of Real Housewives.

 

 

I stood there for what seemed like forever, until a woman came up to me (unsolicited) and started talking to me about the high quality of the baskets that they were selling in a completely different aisle. She showed me one of them, pointing out the delicate weave and telling me all the things she planned on storing within them (Yarn. Knitting supplies. Cat toys. Yarn). She looked at my (plastic, store issued, borrowed) basket full of pregnancy tests and raised a scraggly eyebrow.

 

            “I’m pregnant.” I stammered. I took another look in her cart. It contained a few more baskets, some cat food (duh) and canned chili (yuck). I raised my overgrown eyebrow in judgmental revenge.

            “You sure?” She asked, now counting the number of them.

            “Yes. Right now I am.” I assured her. She knitted those fucked up brows in confusion. “How much are those baskets?” I asked her, desperate to change the conversation. The conversation I could’ve very easily avoided by walking away from the stranger AT THE DOLLAR STORE.

            “Uh, they’re a dollar sweetheart. Everything here is.” She shook her head sadly and headed for the check out. I waited until she was out of sight and put each one of those tests back. I stormed out past the bouquets of fake flowers and the statues of kittens. I crossed the parking lot and went to the Wal-Mart, where I bought the expensive tests. Like a civilized person.

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